Artemis Fowl: The Movie?
by Unrequited
Summary: It had finally happened; all the reports, the evidence, footage, had been gathered with the results being just as Professor Cumulus and Dr. Argon had predicted… a movie.


It had finally happened; all the reports, the evidence, footage, had been gathered with the results being just as Professor Cumulus and Dr. Argon had predicted… a movie.

Grub Kelp ran to Captain Short's desk as though harboring gravely important news. "Didja hear! They're finally showing the movie!"

Captain Short was not much of a movie connesiur and did not need to feign disinterest to encourage Grub's imminent explanation. "What movie?"

"The movie about when you got kidnapped by Fowl." Grub stated happily as though expecting her to wait in line with him for its first showing. In actuality, had the Captain been drinking something it would have been propelled out of her mouth in his direction.

"B-But wouldn't they need my permission for something like that?" She wasn't exactly sure why, but Holly felt it needed to be stopped.

"No they'll just change the names, of course if you DID complain I'm sure they'd pay you away. Come on Holly, everyone knows the story. You'll be famous!"

Holly wanted to be 'saved Haven' famous, not 'damsel in distress-that caused a loss of half a ton of gold' famous. There was a subtle yet important difference.

For the next week everyone had seen the movie and talked about it with unstoppable passion, quoting lines, re-enacting the dramatic defeat of the giant troll, and snickering about the end of the movie. Some brave (or stupid) souls would ask Captain Short questions about the accuracy of the movie. Those few that were fairly unaccustomed to the details would ask about the troll, 'Was it really that big? Was it really stopped by a human? Did it really lick you?' Those somewhat familiar to the case asked about Butler, they seemed to think he was cool, or deserved a medal or something of the sort. Worst were those who knew about the case first-hand and brandished or framed the newspaper article about the movie and those who asked strange questions about Fowl.

The penultimate though was Foaly, who claimed to have seen deleted scenes he refused to show anyone. "Of course I'll make an exception for you Short, I mean you are the star." He whinnied to sound like a laugh.

Enough was enough, she had to see this monstrosity for herself. She looked around the lobby until she found a poster of what must have been her on a cot behind bars with large print "Negotiations" above them. As the next two hours dragged on Holly was torn between crying in fury and screaming in fury.

Though she had gotten off work only hours ago she went back, straight to Foaly's operations booth. On her way she overheard two sprites, "'Evening gentlemen' and then bam! They start going down, aww it was so good."

"I know…" Said the other with glee and dreaminess.

"Shut up!" yelled Captain Short, upset about being reminded of the movie even though it was all she could think about.

Once she got to Foaly's door she kept knocking until it opened.

"Wow Short you look like you could use some…room to breathe or something."

"Why did I end up looking as dumb as Lili Frond?" Captain Short gained a newfound passion for pacing while exclaiming all the problems she had with the movie.

"So you saw it, huh?"

"I did not cry when we set off the bio-bomb!"

"I know."

"I did not give Butler the 'Kiss of Life.'"

"I know."

"Artemis was not groping me!"

"He wasn't?"

"Foaly!"

"He wasn't!"

"Foaly!" She yelled again with a note of desperate whining.

"Don't take it too seriously, it's just a movie…"

"You came out all right in it."

"Beetroot got it pretty bad though too didn't he?"

"Foaly, I'm afraid to ask, but what was in those deleted scenes?" Her head was in her hands on Foaly's desk.

"Maybe it's better you don't know."

"It couldn't be much worse could it?"

"Since you DID ask." He pulled up a file on the computer knowing the real show would be in Holly's reaction.

There were three scenes that made it up to the final cut. The first was a truthful but not very tasteful re-enactment of Butler's first encounter with Mulch. For a minute Holly felt relief. Then came the second scene, it started with what would have been her favorite part, though she wasn't sure the directors did it justice.

Just after escaping, she ran to Artemis' surveillance room and hit him right in the face. But then in this particular scene not meant for release, something went horribly wrong. As she said, "And there's plenty more where that came from." The Artemis she was watching got back up and kissed her on the lips for what Foaly said he timed to be about ten seconds when the scene cut off.

Holly stared unbelievingly. "Is that it?"

"Do you want to watch it again?" Foaly seemed quite amused with himself.

"No! I mean, do I punch him again?" She hoped.

"No and I'm pretty sure you enjoyed it." She was really going to kill him this time. "I mean the you on screen." He said quickly.

"The next one couldn't possibly be worse, right? Not even worth watching, right?"

The centaur said nothing and let the last clip roll. It was another part she liked because she was yelling at Fowl, in this case she was telling him he'd never survive the Blue-Rinse and just like was supposed to happen he said, "I can escape, Heather. Look in my eyes and tell me that I can't."

And then it all went to hell. On screen she started crying and latched onto Artemis. She kissed him for what Foaly said he timed to be and even longer fifteen seconds. And then she said, "Be careful."

Holly couldn't believe it, no self-respecting elf would…but then… "Everyone thinks I have Stockholm Syndrome!"

Foaly definitely felt he had the upper hand. "Don't worry, they only took these scenes out because they were in bad taste."

"What do you mean 'only'? I don't want people to think of me like THAT."

"Well they were truthful weren't they?"

"No they weren't, it couldn't have been farther from the truth!"

"My mother thought it was very sweet." He pretended to justify.

"You're sick."


End file.
